It is a rainy, cold, gloomy Sunday here and there have been a number of things running through Fuzzy's mind about what I have been through in the past and how it has affected me and my outlook on life. I have an outlook on life that not many can appreciate or understand. Only those who have stopped at death's door but did not knock would fully understand. One of the most important things in my life, other than family, is enjoying every moment, just for that moment. Whats past is gone and some of it I am truly sorry for but have no control over it. What is coming is not here yet and I can only anticipate what new things it will bring to my life. This moment is here and now. I am enjoying my ability to sit at this keyboard and expound on my personal philosophy.

Fuzzy is not looking for converts to his way of looking at the world. You each have your own unique perspective on that and should enjoy and  take pleasure from it. I hope none of my readers  ever have to go through a major illness. However,  should you find yourself in that situation understand that most of those around you will not truly understand what you are going through.

It is alright to go off by yourself and have a good cry. It eases the frustration of the time. Every now and then we all find a time in our lives where a good cry is necessary. Don't fight it, let it come and get it out.  When it is over, rejoin the world to get on with your fight. Friends will try to tell you everything is going to be alright and not to cry but they do not understand the feeling of sadness that can sometimes overwhelm us during difficult times.

If you lose something that was a part of you either physically or emotionally it is alright to mourn that loss.  Mourn it and go on with what you have. I have lost my ability to hike and for awhile it was something that kept me feeling sorry for myself. I laid on my couch with my TV remote for a year and was sad because I felt my nature photography was finished. Then I began to notice the life going on around me, the tree coming into bud, the plants pushing their way back into the world and I started photographing it. I didn't need to hike into the back country, I just needed to see the world around me.

When I found out I had cancer I did not fall apart as that would have done absolutely no good. I needed to show strength to my Mom and Dad so that they would not fret too much. They prayed for me and wanted to be kept abreast of my progress but they never ever judged my actions. I have many acquaintances and they all wanted to tell stories of their relatives and their bouts with the disease and how they had positive outcomes. This only served to piss me off inside. I didn't care what happened to them.  I was only interested in what was going on with me. Some thought I was selfish and that they were only trying to help. Well, cancer or major surgery can and will make you selfish and that is perfectly OK. I just had to explain that all I wanted from them was their ear and if they found it hard to listen to me then leave me alone. I have a couple of real friends and if you have one, then feel blessed. They are there to help me and mostly listen to me. Life would be difficult indeed without them.

I had an acquaintance that never listened to what I said. I told him the last surgery restored the blood flow to my feet and that we had once again saved them. His reply was did I ever think about or consider prosthetics and how people were doing wonderful things with them. Next he wanted to know if I had pain management available and how much it helped him. I never told him I was in pain and he just assumed it. I no longer am in contact with him . If you have people in your life like him Fuzzy suggests you lose them as they will only frustrate you and will not add anything to your life and your battle to heal.

I believe each one of us is different and what works for one may not for another. I hope you can find the way for you cope and to fight to get well no matter what your battle. I wish you peace in the realization that no one truly can understand what you are going through but you. If it means screaming at the top of your lungs, crying or pounding a pillow for you to rally your inner forces to overcome the situation then by all means do it and if those around you do not understand just tell that you needed to do it to feel and get better.

I want to express my appreciation for all who listened and never judged or offered opinions as I went about life this past year. I can never tell you how much your listening to me means.